Well I wish I knew a profound reason, I sometimes enjoy writing but I hate to disappoint you. I have a hard time actually writing because it was never a strong suit for me in school. This is where I would over analyze all that I had to do with the verb, noun, adverb, it all made me feel very far behind in class and I couldn’t focus. Not being able to focus led me to always slack in English class but I loved to write poems that would relate to how I felt at the time. It wasn’t until around the teenage years that I would write my feelings in random journals to help alleviate the hurt, sadness, happiness, and all the emotions that come along with teenage hormones. Have only found a couple left from then because I would throw the journals away in fear of embarrassment.
When I am not so into my own head and my creative side is released, I start to feel great, but then my self doubt that is my forever nemesis is steadily waiting for me to hit submit. I continuously worry that my grammar is incorrect or my punctuation is of a kindergartner. Shamefully I have gotten accustomed to the automatic spell check that my computer is even using in this writing. See how technology is almost crippling my own knowledge of what I had been taught. I never finished college and looking back I can see that my anxiety must have led me astray, but I will stop with my excuses. I try not to be an excuse giver and then over compensate in giving numerous reasonings…. Oh wait, is there a difference? I will let you decide since obviously I cannot.. See right there I use the word cannot in this form but I specifically remember one teacher in middle school who could not stand it written in this form and only accepted it can not. This same teacher would go on for minutes ranting over ain’t, to this day if I hear myself say this I shudder.
I grew up mostly in Illinois for grade and middle school so I had never heard the phrase y’all until 7th grade and let me tell you I fought it off as long as I could. It won and now I catch myself sounding very slangy when visiting family up north.
Okay, okay, okay, I again seem to have gone off course while writing today. I have a tendency to try and multitask at home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, and writing…. while writing this my children ate almost all the bacon I made for breakfast, my daughter is glued to the TV, and my son decided to take all the cushions off of the couch and is trying to make a fort. Literally 45 minutes and my house looks horrible.
Why I write… or why I had joined these ladies on the blog would be a better example of why I am writing.
I never realized until lately when I am discussing my past that I am trying not to be transparent and I am laying it all out on the table. I met a wonderful lady recently and on our first play date with the kids I left in fear that I just divulged far too much and she would never call me again. Ha,ha,ha so now instead of worrying if the guy will call, I am worried about the fellow mommy. Any whooooooo I write because this is an outlet and a way to challenge myself to push through the worry and doubt I have for myself and share it with you. It might not be perfect and it might sound like a small child has written my blog but it is me. I am true to this because I know there are people out there who are just like me, and maybe if I write it down it will help others, it is helping me and I sometimes forget that.
Last week was hard for me to write and I never did because the topic was “Me Time”. Unfortunately I didn’t want to sound like a whiner but I haven’t had anytime lately of just me by myself. Don’t get me wrong my husband helps me tremendously with letting me run and do what makes me happy(love thrifting), but he has been working non stop for almost three weeks so let me just say to the single parents out there…… YOU ROCK AND I HOPE YOU GET SOME ME TIME…. Our kids co sleep and we transition our oldest into her room at night but the youngest is all over the place at night and well then he is with me all day…. I am not complaining, this is a blessing that God has given me to raise these two beautiful babies but I am feeling a sinking feeling of failure. Oh goodness here I go whining and off topic once more.
If you are still reading this, thank you!
I write for me, to encourage myself to stop assuming that this is harder than what it might be. I write for you so I can share our private lives (my husband included) to help someone who might feel how we do. I write for our children, so one day they will know to face their own challenges they set for themselves and conquer them fiercely. I write I suppose because it helps me connect with whom I have pushed down for years in fear of what people will say of me. I write for growth, wisdom, healing, release, and for fun.