Being vulnerable, is it fear or reality?

What is it that you fear?

What is it that I fear…. This is something that I really never think about.  I don’t fear death, though I am not ready to die.  I don’t fear being  robbed as that has happened a few times.  Don’t fear losing because I  am not very athletic but continue to play sports, poorly.  Don’t fear being robbed at gun point because, yeah been through that.  I've whitewater rafted, got stuck under the boat and came out the other side.  I worked in a rough part of town with adult men with mental illness.  Got stuck in the mud in the middle of nowhere with the last face we saw was a logger (nothing against loggers but scary when you are stuck in the woods 1hr away from the closet town).  I skydived, zip lined, hydroplaned in the rain and more.  I feel I have had enough experiences to have little fear of the world around me because I made it through the other side.  Things could easily change but …

I don’t fear what I can't control. 

I do fear 2 things, failure and being vulnerable.  Now you could argue vulnerability is essentially not being in control and yeah you are correct. 

So yeah I don’t fear what I can't control unless it comes to me failing or me being vulnerable.  Wow, writing about things really does help you think about things and solve your own problems.

I had to take a moment away from this to look up the Ted talk about vulnerability. 

Beyond worth a watch if you have 20 min and if not save it for later

Brene Brown really hits home.  She really dives into my 2 fears.  That I do struggle with fear of failure and looking back that was always a concern of mine.  I didn’t need to be the best but I couldn’t fail.  Which brings me to another Ted talk about grit from Angela Lee Duckworth.

What resonated most from her talk was the notion that when children learn that their brains are developing and that failing does not slow down any mental development and that the can continue to learn and grow from this, kids are more empowered to try harder and invest more effort into activities. This appeals to me to tie the science of brain development to your ability to try, fail and try again?  But sadly I haven't learned to fail and recover.  I am trying to push myself these days and I have my good days and bad.  Some days I wake up feeling like I can take on the world and I need to pursue more in my career.  Other days I wake up feeling as if I can't even handle waking up correctly.  So I am struggling and pushing through, taking on more, putting myself into more uncomfortable situations, reminding myself that I love my life… and popping a few brazil nuts to keep that serotonin supply up!

Vulnerability. I think many struggle with this.  For me I can see why I struggle with vulnerability.  It started with the fear of failure, then not feeling like I belonged in many of my school classes, then struggling with depression in my preteens.  By the time I was in my teens I loved the attention from boys.  Many girls struggle with this new found sexuality and sexual attention.  I was no different.  Then when I was 16 I …..let's just say I had a "challenging experience" with my 1st real boyfriend.  The guy who was quick to say he loved me and needed me.  Then dated my closet friend weeks after we broke up.  I just told my husband about it for the 1st time only 3 months ago and we have been together for 16 years.  A few years later I had another challenging experience with a different boyfriend.  I was hit on by men my father's age over and over, touched unwantedly, felt violated by comments and wandering eyes for years and years.  I became jaded and rebellious.  I cared little about anything because I felt so violated and vulnerable.  This went on for years before I met my now husband and started to love myself and him.  But I know it causes issues in our relationship today.  I never let my guard down, never vulnerable with him. Makes me sad that I could be missing out on more from our relationship.  I don’t know how to fix this one.  I hope time, being aware and raising a daughter will help heal my vulnerable heart.  As Brene notes in her talk.  You can't just numb the bad stuff, you numb it all. 

I hope to do more soul searching on this blogging journey and learn to not fear failure, to embrace and overcome vulnerability and live a more Whole-hearted life.

If you haven't taken some time, do so now.  Learn a  bit more about vulnerability