Keeping it real with my Tornado


Tornado of self doubt, anger, fear, lost passion, happiness, regret, excitement, envy, grace, gratitude and all that has me consumed on a regular basis lately! I try to focus on only one emotion at a time but it all becomes a mass ball of furry combined with confusion throughout my days! Are you feeling this? I feel like the cow in the movie Twister that has been picked up by the tornado.


At a young age I would give myself pep talks through any struggles, and reinforce my mind to know that someone in the world had it worse than me. Which is true, but years of telling yourself this can mask your pain, and eventually the storm will surface and it will come with more force each time you try to ignore.


That is where I'm at, where I strive to run from, where I cry myself to sleep in fear, and where I hope to overcome the process of acceptance. I'm learning and striving to become more aware of each feeling in myself so I can stop running and truly feel free to acknowledge each one! 


My self doubt blinds me from my passions and it controls my next move. I'm like a puppet and the master is fear of what if you fail and what if your friends see that you don't have it together. I could lose it all and how would I get it back, why even bother, just stay comfortable, why, why, why! Fear has taken a more solace place in my mind than any desire to take a chance. Well guess what that does? It pulls me away from my children, my husband, family, and friends and I retreat to the center of the storm with anger.

I will be the first to encourage my family and friends but I lack these words for myself! It is easier to listen and focus on the negative feelings of defeat! I recently got a compliment from someone I hold dear and it caught me so off guard that she could see this but I cannot. I became almost gloating with happiness from this one small gesture of a push that I have been praying to God for. It calmed my storm enough for me to see that maybe I am just denying myself what I tell others to accept. 

When encouraging my friends of taking that leap I am hiding behind my own words! I am so focused on the fear of failing my children that i cannot enjoy the moments. I encourage my husband to focus on the positives while my mind is soaked with worry! 

Now I'm not always a negative Nancy ... ha ha it's not another personality people just a saying. There are far more days that I am encouraged and strengthened with Gods help that I can believe in my own desires, but this is how I form my tornado! 

This last month has become the exact tornado I described and I realized it's full force the night of celebrating our anniversary. We surprisingly accepted when our friend/neighbor offered to watch the kids for a date night. She arrived in her cheerful fashion and it encouraged our moods and excitement for a dinner of just the two of us! It is hard to remember that it just use to be the two of us, and we have to stay connected emotionally or we both become more distanced.

We were literally almost finished with our last sip and paying the bill when someone brought up our finances! Here's another emotional distraction I forgot to mention but avoidance is a huge black cloud for both of us! Oddly we seem to make others believe we have this all figured out but it's not yet something we have defeated and it ignites arguing! It can take us from laughing to pointing fingers of blame! 

A quick story of all that we took on this month. My husband bid and won on a piece of land, and my fear has been slowly growing all month of how in the hell are we going to do this???? Where will we get the money, how much does it cost to renovate or rebuild, am I ready for this magnitude of change??? See negative Nancy is quietly creeping around! Our daughter started private school, and we are not rich but we are not poor,so that tuition started to come out this month and added to my panic. Did I mention we purchased cabinets from IKEA oh back in April but we just started this task in August! I don't know how to drill a hole in the wall, let alone install cabinets! This task has been left to my husband solely and in my own emotions I just now realized how hard of a task he faced, but he tackled it! I did help but as far as hanging them and making sure they were level that was all him! Our washer is possessed, on spinning cycle I fear it will rocket through two levels and blast into space, and two days ago the water just stopped filling! It seemed like a lot for one month but after writing this maybe I'm just pouting. See where my mind Is trying to encourage me that my battles are not that serious, we have battled more and succeeded. I was letting the devil judge my future for me and keep me in the middle of that damn tornado.

Ok ok so back to the anniversary dinner that ended with us barely speaking to one another and gritting our teeth as we walked through the back door! We greeted our sweet neighbor with our fake smiles and gave many thanks for babysitting the kids. She seemed surprised we had arrived back home so soon and all I wanted to do was run into bed and hide! What she didn't know is the night ended with us in discussions of how did we get so distant and the word divorce was mentioned. 

That's right the big "D" word was spoken allowed and it brought my storm swirling so fast I just stopped trying to process anything! The next day was our actual anniversary and the following was his birthday but the feeling of celebrating did not come easily. Here comes the storm of emotions.. our night started off so fun and full of excitement but then turned and it settled on my mind for the rest of the week!

Fear had masked and made me believe this property was the end to all but get this! I found one of my prayer journals where I asked god to help us find property that would help us thrive and grow our families spiritual relationships with our friends and family. Oh the tornado inside started to slow, the self doubt began to ease as I began to read that prayer, I changed fear into gratitude for what I had easily ignored. My anger towards my husband for purchasing this turned into excitement and hope that is intensely growing with prayer! I changed the path that I would let the tornado go and I funneled it into small storms per say! My fear didn't just stop overnight and I will not stop over thinking but I won't let it blacken the sun trying to shine through.


If anyone has had these same tornadoes and would love to share in the comments please do so! I would also suggest to just speak those words of encouragement to your loved ones because it might be something they are quietly needing but not expressing! I use the statement," I'm fine", far too much to maybe pep myself up, but that night I got the compliment changed me drastically, and I want to do that for my loved ones too. 

JJ 

Comments

  1. These tornados have swirled in and out of my life. I get caught up in fears and uncertainties. I have to run through every scenario of what could be and how/what solutions I would have. If I'm struggling- I get angry at myself- "it could be worse!" I have found that speaking my truth, keeping it real and sharing my fears instead of just getting angry or snapping, helps. I've realized that my journey is my own and I get to be sad, angry, frustrated, etc. no matter if it could be "worse" or not. Also, my husband knows when I'm swirling and allows me to swirl, vomit my fears, and help me pick up the debris and tell me that "it will all work out, it always does."

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