Keeping it real by finding the light and the willpower to fight.

I was 24 years old the moment I decided I needed to make a huge change in my life in order to save my life. By the age of 24 I had been anorexic for 10yrs and was at my lowest weight of only 74 pounds. I was consuming nothing more than fruit, rice cakes and of course salads. I was so focused on one thing control. I didn't really notice what I was doing to myself. My family had expressed many times how worried they were about me. How something needed to be done. But for me my anorexia was my safe place. I can remember the moment like it was yesterday. My mom called me to tell me that she spoke to Linder Center of hope and that they have a bed available for me if I chose to go. At first I was angry thinking she went behind my back. That there is nothing wrong with me. I have all of this under control which was completely far from the truth. I remembering sitting in front of the mirror looking at a shadow of who I was and completely broke down. I picked up the phone and I called Linder of Center hope and informed them of who I am and that I have decided I would like to be committed for inpatient stay. I was scared out of my mind! It's took about 2 days from that call till the moment I walked in those big doors at Linder center. I was giving away my freedom and my control. I spent 3 weeks at Linder center. I learned how to talk about my feelings and how important treating my body really is. I learned that I wanted to survive. I wanted to LIVE! I met some amazing people with all different types of mental disorders. We talked with each other. We cried together. We laughed together. We struggled together. We helped each other. I remember finally feeling happy and so relieved that everyone knew my secret which by looking at me was not so much a secret but that it was finally out and I could breath again. I didn't feel ashamed I felt empowered. I had some of the most amazing conversations with my sisters. I finally understood what I was doing and how it was effecting them in ways I never knew. That they we preparing themselves for the moment my mom would call to say I was gone. In fact the doctors at Linder Center informed me that if I continued doing what I've been doing to myself within a year I would be gone. There are about 2 years of my life I can't really recall nor can I get back and I never want that feeling again. I've been out of Linder center for almost 6 years in September. It's been a struggle that I take it one day at a time. With each day I move farther away from that hold that was taking me down. All it takes it the ability to look at yourself and realize this is not what I want anymore. No one can decide this for you only you can decide this for yourself. If anyone is struggling please do it for you! You matter! You're beautiful! You can fight! You can survive! You can live! 



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    1. It is such a real struggle but often not talked about. Thank you.


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