Sitting and stirring your drink, a moment of reflection, allowing your thoughts to drift back on the flat road, which were once hills and mountains. That moment the salty words creep in your head, “What if….”
The two dangerous words to doubt everything we lived which makes us today.
On top of a “what if” block we stack the block “If I knew then what I know now…” introducing the ultimate foundation of self-doubt.
The tweaks to make our life better today, in that moment, but at what cost are we willing to restack our blocks, changing our today?
My first thoughts of change are always my love life.
· The serial monogamous, floating to one serious relationship to another, always fearing to be alone and not be loved.
· The good men that got away
· The men I don’t know why I was ever with
· The couple men that broke my heart, leaving me limp to even rise from bed
Then there are the moments of the ones I lost.
· If I only knew it would be my last time with them
· If I only knew that was my last time talking to them
· If I only realized they needed to go to the doctor sooner
· If I was there SOONER I could have saved them…
· Maybe I wouldn’t have miscarried if…
Career, education, financial, travel, moving and health… every bump that negatively impacted our life, there is a little twitch that continues to itch at the heart…. “What if I knew then, what I know now…?”
So, let me write to my younger self… let’s find teenage me and give her some advice in a personal letter. Younger version of me would be ecstatic to meet future me.
I am the future you.
You are referred to by Becky but one day will finally be called Rebecca, as you always preferred, and you will feel like a Rebecca and not a Becky anymore.
You will take paths in life that will bring you joy and happiness, and when you walk the darker ones you will want to give up. Tears will only sometimes bring numbness and you will pray for salvation.
Good news! You now know you never gave up. If you did, I wouldn’t be able to write you this letter.
Through your tears, heartache, joy and pride, you have made it to forty, and continue to strive on.
How I do know you yearn to know your future. You want to know what awaits you. You want to know if you find the one, you want to know if you have any kids, and if you are successful….
Unfortunately, if I tell you any of this, “WE” will not be who “WE” are today. I will not be “ME”. I will not be writing you this letter, because the world would not cause for it.
I will tell you that you are not always happy, but neither are you always sad. You are blessed in love, family and friendship so you never have to worry about being alone.
You no longer suffer from depression, you have gotten that way under control, and if any advice, I’d tell you, “Becky”, to not be embarrassed, swallow your pride and let your mom and the other people in your life help. You will not only be happier, if you do this, but you won’t hurt the love ones around you with your outburst of anger, and sadness. Don’t wait until you are twenty-two years old to admit to a doctor that you need help…. Be brave.
Though these are the things you do not care to hear, it is all I can offer.
For I love who we are today. And while we aren’t perfect, our life shaped us into being a well-adjusted, passionate, caring and loving human being – accepting what we shouldn’t change and embracing what we would never have different.
Love Yourself Forever,
….While it is almost impossible not to speak or think of the big words “What If…”
Be careful what you might disclose to your younger yourself, or you might not be who you are today.
What would you tell your younger self? Comment below!
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